Endless
by Chromick
Summary: Lily is tired of trying, and Hanako is fine being broken. Oneshot, Lily/Hanako, femslash.


_Endless_  
_A Katawa Shoujo fic by kyan_chan_  
_Rating: T (For dark themes-it is Katawa Shoujo, after all...)_  
_Pairing: Lily/Hanako_  
_A/N: I'm pretty sure Hisao doesn't exist in this. If he does, he's not mentioned and his existence is irrelevant anyway. Meh, screw continuity. _  
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If her hand hadn't been on the door, Liliy might have been inclined to run away.

It was too familiar; it was the same kind of feeling when you injure yourself, and feel distinctly that you knew it was going to happen. The desire to turn away was so strong her legs ached.

Was she afraid? Yes and no. This was a different kind of fear. Fear comes from the unknown (or so she liked to think) and this was not unknown. This was simply...repetitive. Yes, that was the word. Repeating a task constantly with no hope of success and no alternative was enough to drive one insane. Insanity wasn't the issue here, though. It was the turning of the doorknob and her cane clicking against the dresser, and the silence that permeated the room otherwise.

Hanako was probably on the bed. Her breathing was coming from that direction. She made no indication (not in any way Liliy could detect) that she even knew she was there.

"Hanako?" she called out, softly. The first step in the ritual. The second being the lack of a response.  
She waited.

Hanako gave a slight mumble. Had anyone else been listening, they wouldn't even have heard it-she disliked acknowledging Lily's presence, for whatever reason.

Lily put her cane down gently and located the bed, feeling the scar tissue of Hanako's right hand in the process. She twitched slightly. Lily sat down on the bed, remaining upright and silent.

"How are you feeling now?" she asked, politely. Hanako curled up in a ball before answering.

"I'm fine." She always lied.

Lily would then shrug mentally, say goodnight and leave.

Her legs ached, so she didn't feel too much like moving.

"Lily...I think I'm going to sleep now." Her small, broken voice waivered on the point of anger, but never quite reached it.

"Alright." Lily was quite sure she was supposed to move now-somehow, though, it just didn't happen. Something in the system was broken, and whatever it was kept Lily rooted to the spot and Hanako lying on her back, staring at the ceiling and wishing she'd go away.

She knew by now not to refuse Lily's kindness; if she did, she wouldn't have her around when she needed her. But she didn't need her now, and could find no way to express it.

So she stared at the ever-familiar ceiling and waited for for Lily to rise and exit. She didn't know how long they sat there, but the dimming light from the outside faded almost to black by the time Lily spoke again.

"If you want me to leave, you can ask." There was a hint in her tone of something that had slipped out without her meaning to; she watched Lily recoil from the statement, albeit in her very poised and subtle way.

"I d-don't know. Stay if you'd like." Purely to prove a point, she rolled over to face the wall.

Was there really any point in staying? What kind of progress could be made, considering how hard Lily had tried and how little she'd accomplished?

She was tired. She let herself flop uncharacteristically onto the bed. Their backs were touching, but Hanako was out of space to run from it and Lily was too tired to move.

"Why do you think we're friends?"She asked wistfully. Hanako had no idea how to respond.

"B-because you want to h-help me?" It was more of a goading statement than anything. Hanako wouldn't resort to such tactics under any other circumstances.

"Is that really what you think?" Lily was quiet for a moment, and fingered the sheets. "Because I suppose that's how I've seen it."

This gave Hanako a certain amount of pause. She shrank into herself and was thankful Lily couldn't see it.

"I don't think about it that way anymore." Lily wasn't sure what she meant, "I don't know what I think." There was more silence, interrupted occasionally by heavy breathing.

"Do you need to have an opinion?" She wanted her to go away, badly. "I j-just...want to be alone right now, alright?"  
Lily wouldn't have moved if she hadn't felt strangely compelled. She had always had a vague, almost maternal instinct when it came to Hanako, and to her deflections in particular; what was left of it made her just short of actually embracing her, but still she lay near her. There was an empty urge to comfort, but little else.

"I'm not sure that's true, Hanako." Lily remarked idly.

"So you're going to stay." Lily gave a noise of affirmation. Hanako bit her lip. "Are you going to give me a good reason?"

"Are you?"

The question hung in the air, and both of them were still.

Slowly, almost unwillingly, Hanako turned to face Lily. Lily remained motionless for a moment, then reached out to touch her face. She ran her fingers over Hanako's scarred cheek and mouth distantly.

"I don't have a reason." Hanako sighed. "I just want to sleep." She turned over again.

The surge of cold affectation began to churn in her stomach only after Lily's hands were no longer on her face-a tear or two remained threateningly in the back of her eyes.

Lily listened to Hanako's breathing; she wasn't too sure of her own reasons for staying, either. She was so sick and tired of it all, so fed up with being shut out with every gentle attempt that it seemed forcing her way in was all she could do. She wasn't a forceful type, of course, but if anything could end this she'd be glad for it-one way or another.

"Hanako?" Lily whispered, knowing full well Hanako was still awake. Her shoulders jerked defensively.

"Please, Lily. I just want to sleep." She sounded confused and angry, which were unusual emotions for her; something was coiling up between them and it terrified her.

Still, when Lily's arm rested tentatively on her waist and her body pressed against her back, whatever it was tightened like a noose. Her face was buried in Hanako's neck and Lily couldn't tell what she felt, exactly, because it was an unknown and she wasn't afraid.

Hanako gripped Lily's hand almost tight enough to hurt it-a last ditch effort, really, to tell her to leave. When she turned her hand over to grip back, Hanako's heart lurched.

They both lay there, broken, on the verge of some outburst, both pondering the same thing.

Was it possible to not be broken?

Hanako knew it was her move, now. She knew what was expected of her. It was finding the courage to do so that was beyond her.

"I love you." Lily said quietly. There were many ways in which that could have been interpreted, and she decided to let Hanako choose which one was correct.

"I..." She began, "I'm not..." realizing that might sound like a rejection, she tried again. "I...I don't kn-know if I-"

"I won't be angry at you, Hanako." Lily interjected. Leaving the decision to Hanako might have been unfair. Cruel, even. But it was the only way to get an honest answer.

"What do you m-mean when you say that?" her anger was being quickly overcome by a feeling she didn't want to admit to. "What kind of...'love' do you mean?"

That was an unexpected question. Lily mulled it over, and was quiet for what could have been minutes or hours.

"That's the problem, I suppose." She moved imperceptibly closer. "Like a friend? Like a mother? A sister? A lover, maybe?" She sighed. "The truth is, I don't know." She waited for Hanako to respond, but she didn't. "Does that answer your question?"

It was all true, if she thought about it. It was something she had known, but had let it be diminished under the weight of her own assumptions and hypocrisy; was Hanako even broken? Did she need to be fixed?

There was love there, somewhere. It was the kind of beaten, tired, fucked up love that was often buried beneath everything else, but it was certainly there.

"Do you think so little of me?" Hanako responded dryly. With no small effort, she turned around to face her. She managed to do so without letting go of Lily's hand.

She pressed her forehead against Lily's, feeling a terrible stirring in her gut. Lily smiled sadly.

"I wish it wasn't so...ambiguous." Her hands moved in slow circles on Hanako's back.

Hanako's heart quivered with fear and affection and confusion. She almost didn't want to exist at that moment, to be so painfully aware of her own being-it reminded her, briefly, of peeling off her skin as it was healing; she knew it wasn't cleansing her of any injury, and it hurt in and of itself, but it felt purifying somehow.

This brought her to an unpleasant train of thought. Just what was so appealing about her? She had come to understand how the blind, especially someone who was blind from birth, would never pass judgement based on her appearance. That had always been greatly comforting. But what was it about her that was actually worth all the effort Lily had expended trying to fix her? Hadn't she felt recently like she was driving her away?

"Lily." The name spoke itself, with no intended purpose.

"Yes, Hanako?" Lily responded. Her movements ceased. Hanako swallowed in anxiety.

"I understand what you meant, I think." She whispered, even though she was so close. "I feel...so..." she searched for the right word but couldn't find it. "Do you want to kiss me?"

Lily was taken aback-that was surprisingly upfront, more than she'd expect from her. She flushed red, and could feel Hanako's face radiating the same heat. By some power she leaned forwards and rubbed her cheek against Hanako's.

"I think so." She was slightly hesitant. An internal war raged between feverish longing and the assumptions she had come into the room with; there was no way she could undo the damage, to herself or Hanako, or get rid of all she'd suffered trying with just a kiss.

She didn't get the chance to object before Hanako's lips pressed lightly against her own before disappearing again.

"W-well?" Hanako was her usual self again, timidly drawing back.

Lily didn't have the strength to kiss her in turn. That would take more time.

She pulled her close, as she had often done so many times before, and Hanako hesitated before embracing her also.

Both of them knew it had ended, even before it began.

_Thanks for reading! This is my first Katawa Shoujo fic, and I'm already completely enamored with these two. *wubs* I hope you enjoyed it despite a lack of fluffiness._


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